On our ‘Engaging People, Powering Companies’ podcast last week,

Amrit focussed on the insights shared in a new book by Eric Potterat, Ph. D and Alan Eagle called ‘Learned Excellence: Mental Disciplines for Leading and Winning from the World’s Top Performers’. It talks about the recipe for success being entirely mental. Of course, being physically and intellectually strong helps in achieving success, however if you spend all your time wondering about your reputation and what others think of you, then being any sort of strong won’t help or matter in the pursuit of excellence.

Being so clear and connected to who you are and what you value, gives an inner strength that keeps you on the path that is most aligned to you, and because of that, what other people think of you becomes irrelevant. You might be swimming against the tide of others, but it matters not because you are so clear on your direction that nothing can stop you.  This is all great but how on earth do we discover who we are and what we value in a world that teaches us from a very young age to just fit right in?

We are born connected to our identity with no regard at all to what others think of us, and then as we get to our teens and twenties, there is nothing we care about more. I remember watching my son as a child sing and dance like no one was watching and just feeling all the joys, but then suddenly he was too cool to sing and dance. He just wanted to stand to the side and watch what was going on, looking “cool”. I am happy to tell you that now should the mood take him, and if he is in the right company, he will bust some moves, however it is a very rare occurrence. He is twenty-two. The good news is as we get to our later years (forties and fifties) we start to care less about what others think. Must it take so very long to reach that point?

Not according to Potterat and Eagle who state that their research shows that the best performers in the world can speed up this process. They do this by clearly understanding their identity and then staying true to it, and when this happens, reputation takes care of itself. I think we can all remember times in our lives when we have been so nervous about how we would be received that it almost completely takes over and derails whatever activity we were about to undertake.

I can remember almost having my brain flooded with thoughts and insecurities about how I would be received. That is not conducive to high performance, that is for sure. But to know instead why I am doing what I am doing, the fact I have found myself in a position because of who I am and what I care about, well, that is a different story. Important then to choose to follow paths that are really connected to who you are and what you love. Now, this might not always feel possible – we got to work right?!

I believe however, it is possible to bring who we are to any job or situation through what it is we truly value. What we value makes up part of who we are, and, as such, accompanies us in wherever we go and whatever we do. Our values shape the lens through which we see the world and therefore determine our interactions and decisions. The crying shame is that too few people consider or connect with what they value. It is just not part of our cultures at home, work or school to talk about. If it was, we would all be way more aware of who we are and have a stronger sense of identity.  

As Amrit mentions, Freud famously talks about human identity, but as far as I can make out, his view is that it’s controlled by three areas of the unconscious mind (id, ego and super ego) that are continually in battle with each other, and that essentially, we are not aware or in control of. Not a very hopeful view! Amrit also mentions Erik Erikson as a big player in the realms of identity theory. His Psychosocial Stage Theory’s main element suggests that we develop a conscious sense of self through social interaction, which constantly changes due to the new experiences and information we get through daily interactions.

Research into values however, shows that while created through early experiences and upbringing, they are pretty much unwavering throughout our lives. Barb Markway and Celia Ampel wrote back in 2011 ‘The Self-Confidence Workbook’ and they describe values as ‘the principles that give our lives meaning and allow us to persevere through adversity’. Values tell you what kind of person you are or want to be, and guide you through life. To be clear on what they are, helps us connect with our own identity.

Schwartz, a social psychologist has really helped us understand human values in developing ‘The Theory of Basic Human Values’. Surveying over sixty thousand people, Schwartz has proved without a doubt, that they exist. And the thing about values is, when you start talking about them with people, it resonates. It helps us connect to those things that really matter to us and to understand ourselves better, which can feel like a big break through or an a-ha moment!

So, we can start considering our values and there is plenty of research, books, and articles to help us with that, if pinpointing them feels too far-fetched. Another thing to consider as Amrit quite rightly brings up, is how do you describe yourself? How do you talk about yourself out loud when asked, and maybe even more importantly, in the quiet moments to yourself? What beliefs do you hold about who you are and what you are capable of? Are these beliefs helpful in developing a strong sense of identity and therefore confidence, or are they limiting in their nature, keeping you small?

I have written before about beliefs, and here we are again. The thing is, they permeate through everything. Like our values, they are there, in the background helping to run the show. What do you consider to be your strengths? How often do you catch yourself doing something that you are good at, and giving yourself a pat on the back for it? In my experience we tend to be more self-deprecating than celebratory. That isn’t to say we can’t be celebratory, just that it takes a firm intention to start practicing catching the good stuff. In fact, it is a well-known psychological phenomenon that we focus way more easily on the negative.

Negativity bias means that we tend to, as humans, register negative stimuli more easily, because we are hard wired to look out for threats. Not only that, but we also dwell more easily on these negative events and threats, and the world is full of them! We remember the more traumatic, insulting experiences more strongly than equally positive ones. We have our work cut out! Knowing who we are and what we stand for can help make it easier to focus on the positive, and on those things that will help us stay on the path of us, rather than veering off it because we care less about what people think. These things won’t present themselves as threats because well, we are just mentally stronger due to being more connected to our identity.

One of my all-time favourite quotes is this beauty by Mary Oliver from her poem ‘Wild Geese’:

“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”.

Imagine for a second that we got taught this from a young age. To just be allowed to follow what feels good and that fills us up, and to find the opportunities that suit those things. Maybe it would help people care less about reputation and what others think of us and more instead about what makes us, us.  And then maybe, high performance would follow. I will end this week on another quote that came up on LinkedIn by the Organisational Psychologist Adam Grant:

“People who love their work shouldn’t judge those who don’t. Enjoying a job is not a sign of virtue- it is a mark of fit. Many people don’t have the luxury of finding their passion or the freedom to follow it. If you are lucky enough to like work, don’t be smug, be grateful”.

Let’s start talking more about what makes you, you, and me, me. I think the world will benefit greatly from it, and maybe we can all help each other find our fit.

Listen to the podcast here.